I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
