It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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