apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
