Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
