it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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