This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
