I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
