What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize