im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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