If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
