So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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