Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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