I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Randomize