The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
