This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
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