i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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