Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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