trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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