hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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