I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
