If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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