is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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