Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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