It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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