I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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