I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
