i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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