my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
