Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
