i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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