Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
