how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
