You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
