Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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