ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
