It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
