Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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