My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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