Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
