she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
