I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
