Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
