I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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