i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
