I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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