Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
