my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
