alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
