i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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