I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
