Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
