apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
