The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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