i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
