I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
